taleya | (no subject) (Reply)

I'd gotten home early that day, with fresh baby food and treats. She was happily nromming her food and some veggies, roaming around the bedroom as I cleaned out their cage. I had a shower and they joined me in it, puttering inand out and nesting in my dressing gow, doing this and that. Afterwards they both had shower baths, lovely warm water and shampooing, then treated to little rat massages and towellings, playing around the bathroom and hide-and-seek with me under the towels. It was a good time. It was a good day.

I smooched goodnight to both of them and got into bed. I was dozing off when I heard a scraping, clawing noise. I thought they were ripping at the paper at the bottom of their cage - I'd had to put it in recently because poor Fiskas had problems seeing where the limits of the foodbowl was, and kept stepping in the mushy food. She needed something to wipe her feet off on (I'd been doing it with a tissue for her) I didn't think much of it.

It went on for so long that I turned on the light and leaned out of bed to peer over at them. And onion was staring at me. And Fiskas was slumped on her side, and the noise was coming from her.

I thought she was choking, so I took her out, but her mouth was clear. With rats, there's a pretty generous margin before panicking - they can take up to half an hour to clear something before you should worry. So I laid down in bed with her tucked under my arm and let her work on it on her own for a bit. And then I realised that every breath she took was bubbling in her lungs. She was hawking and gasping, and I held her in my arms. I took her to the bathroom and let her breathe steam to try and clear her throat, but it wasn't working. So I tried the other trick - cold freezer air, to help clear out the crap. She was bringing up some stuff, and blowing it out of her nose, so I thought it was working.. I sat with her wrapped in a towel and caught what came out, clearing her nose and keeping her calm, rubbing her chest and helping her bring up what she could.

Except, it didn't help. And she started to lose control of her bodily functions

I called

torasin. I told him to get over here right now. I told him to leave the taxi running, we had to go straight to the vet. I was hoping, but there was nothing to it. She was dying in my arms. I waited for him., walking up and down the corridoor, singing her favourite songs to her and telling her that it was ok, we understood, we both loved her so much, and she was fighting so hard, but it was ok if she needed to...

She was fighting so hard, we both were..but we'd lost. We'd finally lost.

When James got here, he was worried...and I had to tell him. I just had to say "It's time to say good bye"

The horrific way his face broke in that instant will stay with me for the rest of my life.

he held her and I left them alone for for a while. And punched a door. It wasn't right, it wasn't fucking fair, we'd fought for so long, so fucking hard, she fought so damned hard to stay with us, she deserved better, she deserved to go quietly in her sleep, not choking and scrabbling, it wasn't fucking FAIR. It was the worst way it could be and she deserved so much fucking better.

James' sister had given him a lift over. She took us to the Vet. We took onion with us to say goodby, and we held our family in our arms for the last time. We kissed her, and whispered to her, and told her how much we loved her, and held each other and cried.

When we got to the vet, James couldn't come in. And I don't fault him in the slightest. He waited outside, holding Onion and I took her in, and the vet checked her over. She'd had another stroke. She could barely use her back legs, one lung had collapsed completely, the other wasn't working right. He told me this, and he petted her, and told her it was all right, and asked me if...and he trailed off. He didn't need to. She just looked at me, and struggeld to reach out and put a paw on my finger, and I already knew, and all I could whisper was "help her."

They gave her some gas so she wouldn't feel the injection. I held her in my arms and sang her favourite songs to her, and told her we loved her, and I loved her, and daddy loved her, and it was going to be ok, that it would stop hurting, that it was ok, we loved her . I was the last thing she saw, and the last thing she heard, and she died in my arms knowing that we loved her so much...

I took her to Onion one last time so she could see, and not wonder where her sister was. She wuffled gently at her fur, and then went and sat in Fiskas' nesting box, curled into a little ball.

We buried her at my parents. I rent, and we wanted somewhere we knew would be safe, even after I'd moved. And then we walked home.

So. I'm up and down. Trying to distract myself. I'm not suprised, I wasn't stunned.

torasin was hit harder because he tended to see her when she was more active. I was nursing her day in and out and just grabbing every extra second that we could together because she was fighting so hard. I knew how this was going to end. I've known it for a long time, the rest was just wishful thinking and hopes I knew were useless. I know they 'don't live long" and thank you so much for that bon mot mother dearest, You know, I'd been nursing a terminally ill rat for a month and had no idea that death happens, you know? Thank you for enlightening me!!

...shit.

She's at peace. It had to be done, I know that. But god I wish I could have spared him that. I just wish I could have spared James that so much. Yes, go on, say I'm a horrible person, whatever, I don't care. Hurting him like that upset me so much more than saying goodbye. It's the nature of things, to part, to say goodbye. But I wish with everything I am that I could have spared you that.

I'm sorry James.