(no subject)

[taleya]

1. When you attend a half full restaurant without a booking the waiter/waitress usually escorts you to:
a) A prominent table at the window visible to passers by
b) A standard table in the middle of the restaurant
c) A secluded dark corner

2. When you walk into a fashionable clothing store, the staff usually:
a) Abandon other customers and attend to you
b) Nod slightly and continue their conversation about last night’s party
c) Don’t notice you because you are in the invisible range outside the desired demographic

3. The water you drink comes from:
a) Australia and is packaged in a plastic container by a large overseas soft drink conglomerate
b) Europe and is shipped from there in heavy glass containers
c) The tap

4. Are the manufacturer’s labels on your clothing
a) On the inside
b) On the outside
c) Slashed through to indicate they are seconds
d) Non-existent because anyone can recognise the designer darlings

5. When you arrive at the club the concierge/bouncer/door-bitch:
a) Addresses you by name and ushers you straight in
b) Escorts you to the A-list entrance
c) Sends you to the end of the queue
d) Looks you up and down and slowly shakes their head from side to side.

6. Is your favourite artist:
a) Matisse
b) Emily Kngwarreye
c) Banksy

7. When your clothes go out of fashion do you:
a) Donate them to a charity supplying clothing for third world countries
b) Turn them into dusters
c) Put them in the dress-up box
d) Use them to dress the scarecrow in the vegie garden
e) Keep on wearing them

8. Your favourite TV program:
a) Denigrates and devalues people with a weight problem
b) Denigrates and devalues people with more talent than you but who had the gets to get up and have a go but you get the chance to vote them off
c) Denigrates and devalues the person who occupies the highest office in the land and represents you on the international stage.
d) Is Landline

9. This question for gentlemen only. When you wear a suit do people say:
a) Armani?
b) Nice bag of fruit
c) Wedding, funeral or job interview?
d) The buttons are done up the wrong way

10. This question for ladies only. When you wear a mini skirt people say you look like:
a) Twiggy
b) Sophia Loren
c) Elle Macpherson
d) Mutton dressed up as lamb


HOW FASHIONABLE ARE YOU? – Check your answers

Here is the scoring sheet:

1, 2 & 3 – a scores 10, b scores 5, c scores 0 on the fashion scale
4 – only d scores 20 – the others 0
5 – a scores 5, b scores 10, the others 0
6 – c scores 10 the others 0 unless you are in Paris where Western Desert Artists score 20
7 – a scores 10, the others score 0 except for f which scores minus 10
8 – a & b score 5, c scores 10 – denigrating Australian institutions is highly fashionable – and d scores 0
9 – a scores 10, b & c 0, c minus 5
10 – a, b & c score 10, d scores minus 10

Now to compute your final score, you take the total of scores from 1 to 5, multiply by your score on 6, divide by the ration formed by answers to 7 and 8 then add your score from 9 or 10 as a bonus.

If you had trouble computing your final score, never mind – you have come out on top. It is highly fashionable for many people in public positions to boast they were never any good at maths (including humanities teachers who would never tolerate the opposite being said), while bemoaning the chronic lack of scientists and engineers in Australia. So if you were not able to work out the mathematics of your final score you are automatically highly fashionable. Congratulations.