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Jul. 22nd, 2010 11:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
taleyaI am starting to come apart at the seams
THey won't let me go home this time, because they're tight on beds and it's too bloody inconvenient for them. So they have me stuffed in a medihotel, which at the moment means smaller than a fucking ward, less privacy and with a room full of men capable of raping me.
I am having severe issues right now. I can feel myself fucking destabilising. They're taking away my ability to say no, I'm chained to IVs most of the time, I can't move cant fucking do things, have to piss in a fucking PAN because they're measuring my output and get asked fifteen fucking times a day the most personal questions (WHY YES I HAVE TAKEN A SHIT RECENTLY. THANK YOU FOR ASKING LOUDLY IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY AND A WARD FULL OF COMPLETE FUCKING STRANGERS)
They have taken away my ability to say no. They have taken away my control. I don't have to tell most of you what that means to an abuse and rape survivor. They have made me their bitch, and I can't stop it.
I'm supposed to be able to get a day pass in this place. I need it. I need to be home, I need to be safe. I need to be somewhere I have some modicum of control, that I know I can relax, that I know won't hurt me. I can't sleep here, I can't eat properly, the only time I'm fucking sane is when James is here because he's the only one I trust in the way I need to right now. The nurses keep trying to make friends with me and I don't fucking trust them and they're coming across as creepy as fucking hell. I don't have any privacy, or any rights or ANYTHING AND I AM GOING INSANE
I need to be home, even for just one fucking day. I'm beyond going postal. If I had a gun right now the first thing I'd do would be put it in my own mouth and pull the trigger. I can't go on like this. I can't.
THey won't let me go home this time, because they're tight on beds and it's too bloody inconvenient for them. So they have me stuffed in a medihotel, which at the moment means smaller than a fucking ward, less privacy and with a room full of men capable of raping me.
I am having severe issues right now. I can feel myself fucking destabilising. They're taking away my ability to say no, I'm chained to IVs most of the time, I can't move cant fucking do things, have to piss in a fucking PAN because they're measuring my output and get asked fifteen fucking times a day the most personal questions (WHY YES I HAVE TAKEN A SHIT RECENTLY. THANK YOU FOR ASKING LOUDLY IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY AND A WARD FULL OF COMPLETE FUCKING STRANGERS)
They have taken away my ability to say no. They have taken away my control. I don't have to tell most of you what that means to an abuse and rape survivor. They have made me their bitch, and I can't stop it.
I'm supposed to be able to get a day pass in this place. I need it. I need to be home, I need to be safe. I need to be somewhere I have some modicum of control, that I know I can relax, that I know won't hurt me. I can't sleep here, I can't eat properly, the only time I'm fucking sane is when James is here because he's the only one I trust in the way I need to right now. The nurses keep trying to make friends with me and I don't fucking trust them and they're coming across as creepy as fucking hell. I don't have any privacy, or any rights or ANYTHING AND I AM GOING INSANE
I need to be home, even for just one fucking day. I'm beyond going postal. If I had a gun right now the first thing I'd do would be put it in my own mouth and pull the trigger. I can't go on like this. I can't.
