taleya | (no subject)

Man, the thoughts you have.

It's very hard to make a post like this on LJ without sounding like an attention whoring drama queen. Fuckit, gonna do it anyway.

I have spent the past two weeks very slowly (and quite loudly in some cases) going out of my mind. Not drama queening, not faffing about, going bat shit fucking insane from stress. It's gotten to the point where

torasin has freely admitted on more than one occasion that he's getting seriously worried about me.

I sat, and I waited for news, waited to make a phone call, watched some buffy, and did a lot of thinking. A lot.

It's times like this you really find out who your friends are. Or at least ones who can be bothered to make some sort of reasonable simulacrum thereof. It got me thinking about a lot of things. And it got me quite angry about a lot of things. Not the flash, stressy anger, but the cold, calculating anger that only about two of you have ever seen, and you've both freely admitted it scares the shit out of you.

Some of you I have been there some of the worst times in your lives. And I seem to have become...a disposable resource. The one time when I really needed people, when all I needed was a "hey", something, anything to cling to... Your silence speaks for itself. And I freely admit that I should have seen some of the signs earlier, but hey, denial is a wonderful thing. But I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it. I've been pushed to a place where I've been few times in my life, beyond the drama and the faffing and what you think are big thoughts, and onto the plateau where you cut through the bullshit and see things as they are.

I've heavily purged my flist. Some people may be surprised - you shouldn't be. Some of them are journals that just aren't updated. And some are people that are empathic vampires. People I've supported, tried to make things easier for through thick and thin...but eventually you reach the point where it stops. I can't be a one way conduit any more. And I won't.

It's time I stopped wasting resources and took care of my own.

(people I only have superficial relationships don't need to worry. Superficiality is a game in and of itself, and I expect nothing more than random giggles at stupid pictures)